Saturday, April 7, 2012

Value of choice

I've had so many questions about our homebirth since Evie was born, that I want to take some time to thoughtfully write them out, along with some clarifications of my birth story, which you can read here.  If you have any more for me, I would love to answer as best I can.  Just leave a comment below.

And a little disclaimer:  this is my account and opinion.  I'm not judging or dictating how anyone else should  or shouldn't do this, ok?  Ok!  :o)

1.  Is it safe to have your baby at home?

This is probably the question I get asked the most, or it's the question I believe is on most peoples' minds.  The answer is, yes.  But it's not just an automatic yes.  There's a lot that goes into preparing for a homebirth.  Homebirths are safest for women with low risk pregnancies.  Working with a skilled, competent midwife is essential, in my opinion.  She takes great care in assessing our unique needs, and works with us to make sure that a low risk pregnancy stays that way.  Her number one priority is the safety of both mother and baby.  Period.

Midwives are highly skilled, professional, and well prepared.  They have a passion for what they're doing.  As my midwife said, "Midwifery is a calling."

Their intuition is second to none.  They are so in tune with the mother and the baby that most potential "hiccups" are avoided completely.

Midwives come equipped with everything but the kitchen sink. This includes but is not nearly limited to oxygen and anti-hemorrhage injections.  Truly, there are very few things that would catch them by surprise.

They value a mother's choice.  Though they will advise and guide a mother using her knowledge and skill, there is absolutely no bullying or forcing.

And if it's necessary to transfer to a hospital, it's done.  Like I said, her priority is mother and baby.  Period.

2.  What are the benefits of having a home birth?

Personal care.  My amazing midwife came to my house for my appointments.  She did all my prenatal exams from my living room couch, where we talked, joked, and really got to know one another.  I think the majority of my visits were about an hour and a half long.  Gone were the days of waiting half an hour for a doctor to march in the room only for him to seem anxious to get to his next patient. 

Support.  I knew that after having two epidural-assisted births, that I was going to need a great deal of positive energy to get through a natural labor.  She was a huge, essential part of that.  Her knowledge and experience put all my fears aside.  I knew I was in very good hands.

Being in YOUR space.  I know many people who become very anxious when they're in the hospital.  When you combine that with birth, you often see women tense up and have a difficult time "progressing" in labor.
You use your own bathroom, cuddle under your own blankets, and you get to walk around like you own the place.  Haha!

Your husband can be involved.  Now, I'm not saying that dads can't be involved in the hospital, but I found that in my experience being at home allowed my husband to feel comfortable in his role as "protector," as well as feeling comfortable really comforting me.  If you all know Luke, you know that he can be somewhat reserved (though that isn't the perfect word to describe him).  He was RIGHT there with me, wrapped around me, supporting me as I brought our baby into the world.  Amazing.  That is bonding at it's finest.

Financial.  The cost of having a homebirth is often well below the cost of having a baby in the hospital.  And  in my opinion, the care you receive is worlds better.

3.  How do you get through the pain of natural labor?

Support, love, instinct, breathing, midwives, husband, and prayer.  You just do.  I wasn't sure I could.  I did.


Ok, now I want to address some things you've read in my birth story.  This is VERY important.  Please, if you've read this far, don't stop now.

1.  My midwife explicitly told me that I could call her at ANY time.  She wouldn't be annoyed in the least if I wanted her to come see me out of our regularly scheduled appointments, or as labor began, if I called her in too soon.  It's really important to call when you think you need her or want her to ease your mind about anything.  She came on a number of occasions to check on me because I had the stomach flu four times in the last two months of pregnancy.  I'm so grateful for that.

2.  Cotton root tincture.  I should have included this in my birth story:  DO NOT try to take this stuff on your own.  Cotton root tincture is safe when given under the care and company of your midwife.  She was there while I was taking a "prescribed" dose.  I wasn't literally "throwing it back." 

3.  My midwife allowed me to make my own choices throughout my pregnancy and my labor.  She advised me to take my prenatal vitamins, and when I remembered to, I did. ;o)  There's a part in my story where I said that I "begged her" to let me get back in the birthing tub.  Not literally.  I'm talking in the same sense that the tub "begged" me to get in it.  You know what I mean?

4.  This one's kind of funny when I read it now, but the part where I said that my midwife provided a moment of calm after a few minutes of yelling?  Just to clarify, that was ME yelling, not her!  Lol.

5.  And lastly, as it's been pointed out to me, the ONLY reason I fainted in the bathroom was because I refused to use a bedpan.  I don't remember that part very well, but that sure sounds like me!  Free will can sure bite you in the butt, can't it?  ;o)

I found that the first few weeks after having Evie, when people asked me how things went, I had a hard time explaining it.  And it is hard to articulate.  And sometimes I can't do it accurately.  There are things that I remember a certain way, that aren't entirely how they happened.

But here's how I feel:
I feel like I can do anything.  I feel wildly blessed to have the people in my life who supported me.  I feel SO fortunate that I met and hired our midwife, who helped make all of my hopes into a reality.  I feel stronger and more fierce as a mother, and feel brave enough to be unapologetic in doing what I know is right. I feel privileged to have had choice. 

So, would you do it again?

YOU BET.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rebel

Birth.  It's one of the hardest, most wonderful things that we as mothers get to endure.  Whether it's an all natural labor with candles lit and a room full of family, a peaceful, pain-free birth thanks to an epidural, a scheduled caesarian, or any variation of the sort, there is something undeniably profound about a mother bringing a life into this world.  This is my story.

Though there is a LOT of back-story leading up to the unconventional way  we as a couple decided to bring Evie into this world, I think I'll spare you most of it.  I can get carried away and share more than what's necessary.  :o)

I attempted to have an unmedicated birth with my second daughter, Ada, after dabbling in some research on the benefits of going "au natural."  I saw a midwife at our local clinic, who I hoped would help facilitate my wishes, or at the very least, not look at me like I'm crazy.  When the day came (seven days "late"), I found myself overwhelmed by the pain of labor.  I arrived at the hospital ready to drag the anesthetist by the scrubs to my room, if I had to.  The odds of me getting through without that epidural only diminished, as I found out that my midwife wasn't available, and only wanted to be called in if things were "real."  I'm not sure exactly what that meant ("real?" "no, I'm faking it."  I digress), but I buckled immediately afterward.  I patiently waited (not) for the anesthesiologist to numb be up.  Unfortunately, as he administered the epidural, I felt terrifying waves of shock and electricity through the right side of my body.  I started to panic.  I was bent over my belly, hyperventilating, with my back exposed to a giant needle.  Not a good combo.  I passed out.  Then, it worked.  The pain slowly started to fade away, and I was SO relieved.  Several hours later, after a few naps, my midwife showed up, checked me for dilation, and told me I could push.  I woke up Luke, and within a few minutes Ada Claire was born.  What a joyous day it is--the day you hold your baby in your arms for the first time.

Fast forward a couple years, when Luke and I decided to have another baby.  We tried for about nine months and were able to get pregnant.  I was SO excited!  I was also astonished at how good I felt, too!  I thought,
"This must be a boy.  This pregnancy is a breeze!"  Then, just like that, I miscarried.  Again.  For the third time.  I was so, so lost.  So broken.  So...sad.  Every time I saw a baby or a pregnant woman, or, really just about anything, inside, I wept.  It wasn't an easy decision to try again; to risk losing another child.  But I began to feel that the only way my heart would heal, was to hold another baby in my arms.

Three months after my third miscarriage, I became pregnant again.  I was scared.  The WHOLE time I was pregnant.  I was also very, very ill.  There were days when I would eat probably about 1,000 calories in a two day stretch.  Sometimes, less.  I didn't trust my body.  I didn't trust that I would hold my baby in nine months.  I didn't trust.

I began to look for a care provider in my area.  Not a midwife within 25 miles.  Finally, I found a clinic down in Golden Valley, who had a contract with the hospital in Maple Grove.  Maple Grove was the only hospital anywhere near me to allow a midwife attended waterbirth.  So my options were limited.  I got my care through about the 15th week of pregnancy there, but didn't feel any sort of connection with the midwives.  Perhaps it was premature, but I began to search for other options.

I kept feeling this nagging desire to give birth at home.  But no.  That's crazy!  I couldn't possibly give birth at home.  Could I?

I'm very, very fortunate to have an amazing, strong, and courageous friend who brought all three of her children into this world at home.  She showed me that it it's not impossible, it's not crazy, and it's not wrong to have your baby at home.  She did that all without uttering a word of persuasion.  She lived that truth.  She inspires me every day.

So, leaning into this very tentative desire, I began to call homebirth midwives.  BAM.  Just like that, I found the one.  After interviewing her, I felt so confident.  My husband felt confident.  We loved her!  And with her help, we would have the privilege to bring our baby into OUR world.  Our home.

Fast forward again, through months of sickness, excitement, constant research, Evie's "due date" came and went.  Then another week.  Then another half a week.  We were all anxious to meet her.  And because homebirths are safest for low-risk pregnancies, as time went by past our due date, our options started to narrow.  After trying every natural labor inducing method known to man, we were lucky enough to fall upon one that worked.  It's called cotton root tincture.  We committed to it, and it worked.

Saturday night, the 25th of February, I began laboring.  It was mild to begin with, then gradually got more intense.  (Boy do I have a better appreciation for that word NOW!)  We called the midwife back to our house, and as I suspect now, she was probably giggling inside, thinking "she called me WAY too soon, poor dear."  But because this was my first natural labor, and my third baby, I had no idea of knowing when to call.  So I did what she told me, which was to call her whenever I thought I needed her.  She gladly came right away.

Things continued to progress, and I began to cling to Luke to get me through contractions.  He was my rock.  He didn't say probably two words the entire time I was in labor, but I felt his encouragement, his confidence in me, and his love.

Remember that friend of mine?  She was there, too.  Though I didn't know what her role would be in this whole experience, I wanted to have her there.  She quickly found her purpose, and she did everything with such grace.  She cooked for us, she cleaned, she did so many "behind the scenes" kinds of things, that I still don't probably know all of them.  I told you I was lucky.

After laboring for about seven hours, throwing back cotton root tincture and apple juice the whole time, and a quick stint in the birthing tub, I begged our midwife to let me get back in the tub.  She was hesistant, only because she didn't want my labor to stall. Neither of us knew how quickly my labor was going to turn the corner.  It was time.

I wasn't in that tub 3 minutes before my body completely took over.  My body seamlessly did what it knew to do.  I began pushing, involuntarily, even before I felt the urge to push.  At the time, it was just Luke and I together.  My midwife was downstairs for a few moments, recording my blood pressure.  I tried to call to my her to tell her that I was starting to push.  I couldn't find a break between bearing down to call to her.   Luke finally figured out what was going on and yelled down for her.  Though there were a lot of things happening around me in preparation for the baby, I wasn't aware of many.  I was in my own little world.  My profound, intense little world.

Alright, here's where it gets graphic.  If you're not prepared to read this part of birth, please feel free to skip ahead.  :o)

Luke got in the water with me.  He wrapped his body around mine and held me from behind.
I was overcome with pain, intensity, and sensation.  I could feel EVERYTHING.  And I reached that point that so many women who have chosen this kind of birth can relate to.  That point where you want to crawl out of your skin.  I exclaimed, "I don't want to.  I'm not going to do this.  No.  I won't."  My team encouraged me.  "You ARE doing this.  Your baby is going to be here so soon.  You're going to hold your baby soon."  As I pushed, the vivid sensation was so shocking.  I felt Evie descending.  "My butt hurts!  Oh my God, my butt hurts!  It's going to be totally ruined!"  Apparently, this was funny to everyone but me.  Haha.  Then my water broke.  A mild feeling of a relief followed by the rush of my baby's head crowning out of my body.  Without a single conscious effort, Evie was born like a freight train.  My wonderful midwife provided me with a moment of quiet after an intense few minutes of yelling.  She said "Cati, your baby is here, lift her out of the water."  Or something like that.  I needed that.  I needed something to wake me from my intense little world. 

I reached down and brought my little baby girl up onto my chest, with Luke there behind me.  I could feel the gentle sobs coming from his chest.  I think everyone was crying.  All I saw was Evie.  This little girl with a head full of brown hair.  She let out a lusty cry and continued on that way for minutes.  I held her there, crying too.

The next part is sort of a blur.  My midwife skillfully advised me to get out of the birthing tub and into the bed, watching me carefully because of my naturally low blood pressure.  We moved to my girls' bedroom, where the midwives examined the baby, close to me.  I was starting to feel fuzzy even then, come to think of it.  I felt very weak.  Delivering the placenta was tiring.  I wanted to lay down and stay that way.

Then, I was asked to use the bathroom.  I wasn't looking forward to it, but I knew it was necessary to urinate after birth.  Apparently, I was urged to use a bedpan.  I refused.  So, Luke escorted me to the bathroom, bearing some of my weight for me. When I got to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet, I started to feel really, really not right.  My ears started to ring and I felt sick to my stomach.  I began to pass out.  Luke yelled for the midwife and she ran in there and instructed Luke to hold my feet up above my head.  The last thing I remember was her resting my head back on the back of the toilet.

Then I woke up.  I had been dreaming so peacefully and was actually kind of annoyed at whomever was waving those nasty smelling salts in front of my face.  Haha.  I was on the floor of my little bathroom, surrounded by people looking down at me, with an oxygen mask on my face.  The cool air and the cool floor felt really good.  Then I saw Luke's face.  He was still holding my feet up, petting them with a somewhat terrified look on his face.  Something like, "Don't EVER do that to me again."

I lay there for a while, not wanting to get up.  Eventually, I felt good enough to move back to the bed.  I was SO thankful that the baby was with my friend downstairs.  I was comforted that Evie was there, snuggling with her as I worked through my little ordeal.

Then, seamlessly, my team cleaned up everything, assured I was in good shape, and quietly left.  It was just me and Luke, and our new baby girl.
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It has taken a few weeks to process all of this.  It was a whirlwind.  It was wonderful, painful, intense, joyous, amazing, and profound.

Though the births of my first two girls was no less profound, I do feel more strongly about this birth.  I feel stronger, more confident in myself, and I feel a sense of victory.  And, I trust.

You may call me a rebel.

I call myself  "mother."