Today I write from an interesting place. Not bubbly and overly-optimistic (which I certainly prefer to be!), but rather self-critical and uncertain. I've come to that uncomfortable place that I suppose all of us come to be from time to time, where we realize that all of our best efforts just aren't enough. It's not pretty, it's not encouraging and it sure does take a while to shake--to find your footing, and to be happy with where you're headed and the way you're going to get there.
Much to my dismay, I'm one of those people who puts a lot of weight into what other people think about me. I spend a lot of time (and energy) thinking and worrying about how people size me up. Particularly, do they think I'm smart enough? Do they think I'm foolish? Do they think I'm gullible and naive? When they speak of me to other people, what do they say? I wish I could release myself from this obsession--attaching my value to someone else's limited understanding of me. It's a dangerous place to be. I hate to be misunderstood. I wish I had the opportunity to thoughtfully explain myself--to justify my decisions and to show how I came to them. The chance rarely comes. And when it does, as it turns out, I'm a horrible confrontationalist. (I made that word up. Seems legit.)
Giving up facebook recently HAS helped immensely with this problem I have...because the people who REALLY know me haven't come to figure it out through facebook. They know me because they've seen me in action. They've seen my usual happy and optimistic and passionate side, and they've seen my crazy seasonal mood swings, too. They're not pretty. About four times a year, I panic. I come to the realization that I'm not enough, I can't handle even the smallest tasks, I should probably just give up. I spend about a good week and up to a month in that pit of despair. Then, as quickly as the black cloud has descended upon me, I again find the strength, the motivation and the excitement to face what's ahead.
But here's the nitty-gritty of it all. I'm NOT enough. I'm impulsive. I'm discontented. I'm a hypocrite. I'm inconsistent. My house is messy. I don't do homeschool five days a week. I'd rather redecorate my bedroom than fold the laundry. All of these things are true. And lots more, some worse than these.
This is who I am. And though I really strive not to name my faults and leave them be, some are probably here to stay. The people who (really) love me know that already.
I guess this isn't a very well thought out blog post and I don't have a grande finale planned that sums all this "I'm not enough" junk up.
All I can offer the people I love is who I am (though I'm not enough) and pray that my faults and my shortcomings can be improved upon and that the person I can offer you, IS SOMEHOW enough.